Yup, still here.

Yup, still twisting at the end of an anxiety rope about personal identity. Meh.

Going to Con again this year, whee. Have a room reserved and a costume all set. My Mate is going with.

Still working on the Paws Off! ideas, though I may actually get around to finally making a site, and mini-buttons thanks to CafePress.

That is all.

Yes, I did in fact show up at a Con this year in Furry regalia. And of course, along with that came quite a lot of self-contemplation, as well as thoughts about reactions from the general Fan populace (not just Furry).

One of my biggest gripes about being called a Furry is that once that word leaves someone's lips, many people make the hyperspace jump from "liking animal art and anthropomorphized imagery" to "kinky sex fetish". I realize I can't control that link any more than any other word association or preconceived sterotype. However, I can at least contemplate where I draw the line.

This is me at this year's Con. Consequently, on the subtext of the thumbnail on the index page (this pic was taken by a stranger, and is not my site), the label is "So very yiffable."

Thoughts:

This outfit, I admit (without trying to sound conceited), is sexy. I turned just about every head in the hallways I walked through, and that made me smile. Everyone I believe can appreciate being admired, though I personally detest it when it gets to the level of attention-mongering. I did not wear the costume for the sole purpose of turning heads; I wore the costume because I wanted to display my costuming skills, and the character herself is a joy to "play". Since retiring the character from play at my LARP, I have little opportunity save Halloween to wear her.

I will admit that I feel much more "sexy" while wearing this costume. Normally I would be terrified of wearing a skin-tight body suit in public, but behind the mask I am emboldened. Now, just because I feel sexy... does that mean I'm trolling for sex while wearing the costume?

HELL NO.

Why am I constantly drawn back to the old and bigotted opinion that if a woman was sexily dressed, and was raped, she was "asking for it"? I would hope to whatever anyone holds holy that this idea is dying out. Yet... when one receives negative attention within the Fandom, such as any I may have received while wearing this costume, it seems like that idea is alive and well. What does it take to get it through people's heads that sexy and sex do not inevitably coincide?

Cats have through the ages been a symbol of sexuality, of feral passion and fertility. Looking at characters we play from a psychological standpoint, they often reflect "sides" or "facets" of ourselves that normally aren't as prevalent in the face we present to the general public. This costume is most definitely part of my sensual side, which is where I am torn -- I hate the idea of yiff and all the bad press that goes with it, yet I enjoy feeling sexy when dressed up as this tigress.

Does that make me hypocritical?

What is the compulsion to create a Fursona? What drives people to caricature their inner critter and display it to others? And why, specifically, do we as Furries choose the images we do?

When I created this LJ user name, I wanted a blank slate in many ways. The internet is a marvelous place where we are in total control of how we present ourselves, and the impressions that we make. True, this is also the case in meatspace, but we cannot alter many aspects of ourselves in mundanity, whereas online we have a clean canvas and unlimited paint.

Often I find myself cringing away from personifying myself as certain creatures. This comes from a driving urge to be unique, an urge I think most people in an individualistic society feel. There are beasts and beings that are overdone, worn out, or just plain silly, that many people try to claim as their own. How many wanna-be dragons are there out there? Wanna-be wolves and wanna-be jungle cats? "Power Animals" and Totems and ideal images of oneself I often fear are just weak people trying to cling to something greater than themselves, where they don't have the gumption to invest that effort in themselves first rather than trying to potray themselves as something they are not. The penultimate geek (don't get me wrong, I'm a gamer extraordinaire), thin-limbed and heavyily medicated at the gaming table, pointing vehemently to his character sheet and illustration and convinced he's the Utterly Uber Paladin of Snark, or whatever.

It's a difficult thing to describe, this contempt I have for that sort of false face. But one has to ask... isn't a Fursona also a face? Perhaps not so false in many cases, but a face none the less? An equal argument would be that we are always wearing some kind of mask in various situations, and no mask is a "true" representation of ourselves. Our perceptions and the perceptions of others come with their own biases and filters, so no one will ever see the other in quite the same light.

So again, I wonder... why Furry? For me, I believe first and foremost it is my deep identification with animals. I can honestly say that as a species, I hate humans. Call me a misanthrope, and I'll agree with you. Individuals? Spiffy. Small groups? Tolerable. As a race? Despicable. To me there is so much more to admire in animalkind than humankind that I often wish I could divorce myself from my own species.

I can hear the rumblings of disgust from here. "If you hate people so much, why don't you just rid the planet of yourself? One less human." I honestly don't know what to say to that, or to my identification as Furry. I could go into many more philosophical approaches, deeper discussions that would probably have most other casual Furries petrified of me, but we'll save that for later.

For now, I can at least say these things: in art, I believe the form of an animal is incredibly beautiful, and the anthropomorphization (what a word!) of one can be just as beautiful and inspiring. I believe the honesty of animals is greatly preferable to all the falsehood that humanity presents, and thus I aspire to that honesty and truthfulness. Over all, animals are so much more inspiring to me, worth so much consideration and respect, that I find it preferable to identify myself with them. Whether this is just more of that "wanna-be" attitude that I despise, or a genuine link, will forever be in debate.

It's similar to the controversy surrounding Otherkin -- supposedly only you are the one to know. But how credible is an assertion of one person? I have friends who others think delusional for their beliefs, and at times though I love those friends dearly, they also lose some credit in my eyes for their rather outlandish convictions. Then I have to ask myself, are any of my assertions just as laughable to others? More than likely.

Supposedly we all want to be "special" in our own way. I cannot deny I have that same wish. Fursonas are just one way of expressing this, but in crafting an identify from scratch, such as Feroxi, I have to examine my motives and desires and really, truly ask myself why I want certain things. Never, ever, do I want to be considered a poser, wanna-be, or ingenuine creature. These are the things I loathe the most in others, and dread finding any speck of in myself, hence my caution.

Anyway... enough rambling about this for now. Congratulations if you made it all the way through, and even more congratulations if you understood any of it. I'll post more later about creating Feroxi, in a lovely self-absorbed, talk-about-me post. But hey, that's what LJ is for, right?

Spiffy!

I leave my little community alone for a little bit, and one or two folks straggle in. I'm encouraged that people are searching, but also a bit apprehensive. I don't want to be a horrible censor, I want it to be a civil open forum, and I do have control of who comes and goes and posts. I just don't want to have to exercise much of that authority and hope people are on good behavior when they join and post.

Meh, just a few worries, but over all I'm happy others have started to notice the community just on its description. Now I need to post :)

I'm sure I'll have much more to say at some point in the future on the nature of identity, and discuss why people are so obsessed with defining themselves, and defending that definition. For now, though, it's time to come out of the Furry closet.

There, I admitted it. I'm a Furry.

But you know what? That innocent-seeming label comes with so much excess social baggage that it has literally taken me perhaps a decade to come to terms with it. For quite some time, I actually hated Furries and the whole fandom. This was because to be Furry meant you were a sheep-humping, mascot-suit-wearing, absorbed-in-sexual-fantasies, lives-in-their-parents-basement-with-fake-fur-stapled-to-their-ass freak. Not exactly the type of folks you would readily declare fealty to, hmm? No, not really.

To this day I honestly still bear some animosity toward the people who have given Furry such a bad name. I recognize, however, that this is totally unconstructive and rather childish of me. I shouldn't avoid coming to terms with who I am based on the actions of another person, nor should I let their poor example define me. I also can be diplomatic despite my own prejudices, of which I admit I have many.

I don't particularly like porn, and for Furry porn in particular I reserve a special kind of hate. I think all anime cat girls should be drawn and quartered. I have little tolerance for people who obsess over their fursona to the point they lose touch with reality. In fact, I have little tolerance for stupidity in general, and find it concentrated in abysmal pockets of varying size throughout most fandoms. It just seems, perhaps because I am so closely tied to Furry fandom, that the idiocy is particularly potent here.

I could go on quite a bit longer on what I find wrong with Furry fandom. But that would be self-defeating, wouldn't it?

As far as the big picture goes, this is me struggling with my own identity. Call it silly, call it geeky, call it whatever... all that matters is that it matters to me. It's an attempt at honesty with myself that I have been avoiding for years, for reasons stated above. You're welcome to come along on this wild ride. Even I don't know where it may end up.

I hope that in embarking on this little jaunt of self-discovery that I might better understand myself, maybe a few other people as well, and even end up making a few friends in the process that my past prejudice made impossible. I'm a strange, mutable little beastie, so there's no telling where I'll end up.